Recovery Is Possible 

I get calls and messages daily from people reaching out asking for help. But they feel trapped, alone and hopeless. To scared to take that step to change their life. 
I want to get up close and personal with you for a moment. I was once that girl to…. I was to scared, alone, ashamed and hopeless to take that first step. I was one who saw no way out, one who saw no light at the end of a very dark tunnel. My addiction almost took my life more than once until I finally decided to get help and when I finally realized enough was enough. Who had I become? What kind of mother was I? What kind of wife was I? I wasn’t any of those things I was living a lie and my family deserved better. I deserved better. 
These pictures are personal and very hard to show. But if you look at them you will see me in active addiction. My eyes are lost and empty. My rock bottom was after I was just beaten by a a guy whom I thought cared about me. Then my clean & sober where I actually have light in my eyes, where I actually have hope and a desire to live. 
Please understand that if I can do this anyone can. 

I share my story as well as my journey through recovery to try and show others that it is possible to get your life back after addiction. To try and help others feel less alone and to try and give them hope. 


My Demon Named Addiction 

When I was in rehab I could not figure out a way to articulate my addiction to my family. My family kept saying, “why did you do this to yourself” or “why can’t you just stop” and “what is going on with you” I had a very hard time explaining what addiction felt like. So one morning in rehab I wrote the following.
I have a Demon who lives in my head his name is Addiction. He constantly speaks to me often times yelling into my ear demanding to be fed. He likes to feel numb so that he doesn’t have to deal with my emotions, stress and anxiety. I am constantly battling with him. He is never quiet and always demands I take him out to play, to chase a fix and numb him. 
I furthermore explained that I am trying to learn how to deal with him and how to silence his constant roar. I was trying to finally listen to him and trying to understand why he constantly needed to be numbed. I was trying to learn how to cope with him and trying to find ways other than drugs to quiet his voice. 
Today I am in recovery and clean but that Demon named Addiction still lives in my head. He no longer lives at the front of my brain where he resided for so long. Through my recovery I have learned how to change his residence to the back of my mind and have learned other healthier ways to satisfy him. However there are still days when he tries to move back into the front part of my brain where he begins to whisper to me. Asking me to come out and play one more time and go one more round. I must keep this demon at bay and no longer allow him to control my life or my thoughts. You see, satisfying him damn near cost me my life so under no circumstances can I give him control over my mind again. 
This demon will forever live in my head but today when I start to hear his whispers that’s cue for me that I need to focus on my recovery program and start re-working my steps, catch a meeting, call my sponsor and deal with the underlying issue that is causing my demon to resurface. Today I no longer numb him instead I try to find out why he is trying to re-enter my life and I get to the core of the issue. 
Rehab provided me with the tools and resources I need to keep this demon at bay but it’s up to me to apply what I have learned so he doesn’t take control of my life again. 
Recovery is not always easy and everyday isn’t sunshine and rainbows but today I continue to learn how to cope and deal with life on life’s terms. The only way to keep my addiction in remission is to constantly stay focused on my recovery. There are things I must do each and every day in order to stay in remission and some days are harder than others. But I promise you recovery does work and that demon no longer has to control you. You can learn how to feed him in healthier ways and how to take control of your thoughts back. 
I am no expert I am just a chic in recovery taking each day one at time. 


From Mother to Heroin Junkie

I was the woman who seemed to have it all. I had an amazing career, four wonderful children and an incredible husband. In 2013 I found my personal life in shambles due to a series of events that happened all at once. All of which caused my life to unravel.
I went to my local doctor and was prescribed Zoloft for my anxiety. My family and I had just moved to a small suburban town outside of Champaign Illinois. I was quickly introduced to a group of women, all mothers, their kids friends with my kids. These woman knew I was struggling personally and knew I was having a difficult time. They introduced me to opiates and benzo’s and told me the hydrocodone would help me sleep at night and that the Xanax would relieve stress. 
I began taking the medications and within weeks found myself hooked on them. From that point on I found myself belonging to a “pill gang of mothers.” We were all popping, swapping and doctor shopping together. This went on for two years and was our dirty secret. Our husbands were unaware and no one in town knew that we were a “pill gang.” We would be at our kids sporting events all going into the restroom trading pills to get our fix. Looking back it seems unreal.
In 2015 my life was still spiraling out of control and I was a full blown drug addict. The mothers I was running around with (my pill gang) saw that my addiction was getting out of hand and they were scared their secret was going to be exposed. They knew I was on the brink of hitting rock bottom so several of them decided to cut me out of the group. This in turn cut my drug supply off and by this point my addiction had taken over my life. One of the mothers who continued to stay in contact with me then introduced me to Heroin. Since I no longer had access to the pills as easily as I once did and being able to get my hands on Heroin for much cheaper I did not object. At this point it was all about not being “dope sick.”
I began snorting heroin and within a month began shooting it. I ended up quitting my dream job and throwing my career down the drain. I left my family abandoning my four children and my husband. I left my suburban home and ran off to Chicago. For seven months I was living a dangerous life and doing anything I could to feed my addiction. 
I ended up meeting a man who I quickly developed a relationship with. This man shared my love for drugs and helped satisfy my habit. I was shooting heroin, shooting cocaine, snorting cocaine and still popping pills daily. I no longer recognized the girl in the mirror. One night this man decided to beat me to a pulp, I suffered from two black eyes, a swollen face and bruises throughout my entire body. That still didn’t wake me up enough to realize I had a problem.
Shortly after I was beaten my husband finally convinced me to return home. Upon returning home I was full of shame and guilt and still very high and only worried about how and where I was going to get my next fix. The next morning I decided to send my husband and children off to work and school and take my own life. I gave myself an intentional overdose that morning. By the grace of god I survived. From that point I went into inpatient rehab and have been clean since. (Today I am 13 months clean)

Inpatient rehab is where I learned about my disease of addiction and was provided the tools I needed to keep my disease in remission. I will always have a Demon living my head who goes by the name Addiction. He will always live in my mind and there are still days when he tries to get me to come out and play, to go one more round one more time. Today it’s my job to keep this Demon at bay and not allow him to control my life again. In order to do this I must continue to stay active, dedicated and focused on my recovery. This is the only way I can keep my disease in remission. 
Today I am speaking out sharing my story to show that addiction does not discriminate. My addiction started in the suburban living rooms with a bunch of mothers, they just don’t talk about it. This epidemic is happening everywhere and my goal is to show others that they are not alone and that recovery is possible. I tried to take my own life because I was to scared, humiliated and felt to alone to reach out for help. I never want anyone else to feel that way. There is hope and if I can recover anyone can.